Humble Pie

I once joked that the difference between my husband and me was summed up by the way we approached the last piece of pie. My husband: “I’ll leave it for someone else.” Me? I’d squeal, “Ooh, pie! Yum!”

That is how we lived as husband and wife for our first 20 years of marriage, my husband giving and I taking. Between us, I received more of empathy and kind words. He offered help and I received it gladly. I had more stuff, too. More clothes, books, nights out, shoes, and you name it, I had more. I’m pretty sure if I’d purged my unneeded belongings, our house would’ve raised up an inch or two.

You probably think I was happier than he. I’d say you were dead wrong. I was pretty happy, don’t misunderstand. But day in and day out, he was happier than me, that’s for sure. I believe that truly happy people are kind, vulnerable, and grateful. My husband is such a person.

Steve has always been about the most content person I know. His sister once remarked that he has the patience of a zombie. It’s true. He lives in complete serenity. The guy accepts everyone as they are without a hint of judgment. He’s the first to help and the first to offer a kind word. Never speaking ill or worrying what others think of him, he’s the epitome of guilelessness. And all the women in our family adore him. Sheesh, I spent the first 20 years of our marriage trying to convince his mother, two sisters, three daughters and my own mother (the traitor), that he wasn’t really all that perfect. They still don’t believe me.

So, what’s a self-absorbed perfectionist to do when you’re married to someone like that? One thing I learned is that it starts within. It’s the melting away of “Me, Mine, My” and choosing “Him, Her, Them.” It’s letting go of shame and pride. It’s looking for what’s wonderful and living in that wonder. It’s letting go of perfectionism, judging, and worrying what others think about me. It’s allowing myself to be vulnerable and grateful, kind and loving.

Vulnerability is when I allow others to see me as I really am, my authentic self, and feel ok with it. It’s the opposite of perfectionism. A vulnerable person recognizes that, hey, nobody’s perfect. A perfectionist can’t let their guard down, ever. Brene Brown said that “vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity….the source of hope…. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”

It seems counterintuitive, doesn’t it? But the truth is, when I decided to drop my fear that people would see my imperfections, that’s when I started to feel whole, content, and at peace. And surprisingly, I started to act a lot more like my husband. Nowadays, I am more accepting and less judgmental. I feel more grateful and seek out opportunities to serve. Gossip pains me! And finally, it’s ok with me if you come over to visit my imperfect house and imperfect family. My life is messy. So is yours, I bet. And that’s ok, too.

So, here I am, a changed being from that 22-year old bride. I blame it all on my husband, you know. He’s the one who showed me that true kindness, accepting myself and others, and living in gratitude is the path of contentment and happiness.

And now, I think I’ll make some pie.