Anger in the Night

A true story

Once upon a splendid morning, this conversation took place:

Concerned young father: "Are you OK?"

Perplexed young wife: "I'm fine. Why'd you ask?"

"Because," he slowly responded, "during the night when I put my arm around you, you threw it off and yelled, 'Get your hands off me!!!'"

WHAT?? What kind of wife would be so cruel? What loving wife would ever say such a thing?

Me, that's who.

As I write this I still can't believe it's true, but it is. I know it happened. Because my husband wouldn't lie. Disbelief, followed by "are you sure?", followed by chagrin. How could I have been so mean?, I wondered. I still remember the hurt in his eyes, 20something years later.

And yet...

Those 20something years have given me a little perspective. And so to my sons, when you are the young fathers married to young mothers, I give this simple observation, borne of experience.

Remember, the burdens of young mothers are heavy. If young mothers don't do their jobs well, little people die. Literally. Or become ax murderers (a nod to Kim for the concept). Or worse, hate the very mothers who give their very lives to those children. And because the stakes are so high and the outcome is absolutely unknown, young mothers worry and fret and try to control, at least, the known. And so they make sure the pj tops and bottoms match, and that the kids brush their teeth. They agonize over which brand of baby cereal to buy and whether baby is warm or cold. A myriad of worries and decisions, few of which really matter in the long run, but important when you are that young mother. (side note: baby cereal brands don't matter, warm/cold does.) (And, to some of us, it is important for the tops and bottoms to match. And they absolutely must brush!)

So, sons, future young fathers, don't take it personally when the burdens of mothering spill over into the night. Let her know you appreciate her and all she does. Help her all you can. And then some. Ensure that she has time to herself to do her own things, aside and apart from you and the children. Change diapers, make dinner, vacuum, and most importantly, do it with love and kindness. Because if you do, then 20something years later she will still regret being unkind. She will love you with a love that is at once most tender and most fierce. And her eyes will fill when, in her quiet moments, she reflects on what a privilege it has been to be your wife.